I had a realization this past weekend. I build a wall as a means of self-protection. I tend to lead from a place of defense, independence, and determination. I’m prepared to protect myself at all times and I hold a very high standard/expectation that I can do everything for myself.
While I admire this quality and wouldn’t trade it, it has it’s flaws and needs to be balanced. Being fiercely independent gives me immense pride, but can lead to stubbornness, anxiety, irrational thinking, and the inability to let others take the lead or take care of me. Putting up a wall seems self-serving in the moment, but is usually self-sabotage in the long-run.
Living a vulnerable and guarded life are about as compatible as oil and water.
I’ve had break down the walls intentionally, everyday, in order to cultivate more intimacy into my life. I now allow myself to be fully seen and felt by others.
Similar to my past post about my Fear of Losing Control, the flaws are the most prominent in my potential, growing, or already established intimate relationship.
While I value my independence, I believe in some traditional roles. I recognize that I need to give up the drivers seat and be the passenger; let my man be the man in the relationship. Looking back, I can pinpoint missed opportunities because I was stuck in my stubborn ways of “I got this“.
I believe that men are designed to have a leadership role in a relationship. Giving up control does not mean I’m abandoning my values or that he’s superior; it means trusting, having courage, and allowing him to appreciate me.
I’ve been practicing this by sharing my feelings, paying attention to how I phrase comments and feedback, acknowledging him, appreciating him, and stepping back.
Coming full-circle, will I let go of my independence completely? Never. I still know I am worthy and can provide for myself. The key to making this change, is knowing that the man’s support is not crucial, but it’s a beautiful luxury filled with so many added benefits.
Giving him some of that power increases love, reassurance, comfort, sexiness, creates a space for vulnerability, seductiveness, and the feeling of invincibility.