Real Talk: Recovery Relapse

I’ve sprinkled the topic of my recovery here & there on the blog, but haven’t really gone into detail. To put it simply, I am an addict. Sugar and carbs are my drug of choice. My battle with the need to control my food began age nine and developed into a Binge Eating Disorder. What started as an instinctive urge to gain control became my security blanket for the next 10+ years.

Today, I am two years into intensive DBT eating disorder recovery. I was fed up of the obsessive thoughts, physical pain, restricting, living in fear, and bulling myself. It’s been an amazing transformation to becoming my truest self, achieving my goals, and allowing myself to forgive.

So, you read the title of this blog,  you know where this is going.

Fast forward to this past Monday – I was about two months clean from binge eating and relapsed. Admittedly, I’ve been “winging it” recently. No self monitoring, not as accountable, and not committing to my goals. I also weighed myself when I was feeling already insecure. Good idea? Nope.

Monday was horrible. I felt out of control. But you know what, out of all of the foods I consumed, I couldn’t find the satisfaction or the high I used to get from binging. The bites of a Snickers bar, spoonfuls of peanut butter, vending machine cookie sandwiches, and eating ice cream secretly before getting to my apartment only gave me a migraine, tummy ache, and feeling of shame.

Tuesday I woke up and made a conscious decision not to dwell on my binge. In the past, it’s only pulled me into a vicious cycle of binge & restrict. Whenever I have a “slip”, I think through the three measurements below. Does one stand out over the others? How extreme is each one? How can I reduce the severity? A slip being a binge in my case, but it can be different for others. 

  • Frequency: How often?
  • Intensity: How long?
  • Volume: How much?

Every step forward or backward is progress in recovery, it will never be linear. As frustrating as it is to go backward, we need to accept it’s going to happen.

Speaking of acceptance, I’m also trying to come to terms that a number should not be my end goal. Realistically, there shouldn’t be an end goal, but a constant goal to be the best I can be, better my mind/soul, and challenge myself to grow.

So here I am, three days post binge. Facing the music & getting back to my normal routine. This summer has three more vacations, three more traveling weekends, two concerts, and three birthdays- including mine! So I need to keep it all in check and make my recovery a priority!

Do you have any tips & tricks in your recovery or how to bounce back from a not-so-great day?

4 thoughts on “Real Talk: Recovery Relapse

  1. Cynthia says:

    You just keep going. Just like you are doing! And don’t stop. I have told myself that sideways and backwards and baby steps are still moving and part of the process. I won’t sit down and stay in one place. And it doesn’t sound like you are either! We are recovering from different things, but both on a journey to become the best “me” that we can be. Blessings to you! You’ve got this!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sarah says:

      Thank you so much Cynthia! This comment made my day, and I completely agree – small baby steps add up to HUGE progress and we have to be proud and cherish that we’re capable to acknowledge that!

      Liked by 1 person

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